Forgiveness

So I am sitting here looking at the clouds on the horizon of the Rwandan sky as they barely catch the changing light of sunset. Once again its hard to find the words of how I am feeling. I was thinking back to my last post and how it was full of experiences that were fun, eventful, and shocking all at the same time. My stories to many of you may not seem like the life that you expected me to be living in Africa and honestly it was not mine either. It is a life though where people are either truly forgivers or just managing. I have been living a life in Rwanda that portrays the exact life that is lived here, one that seems full of life, untainted by the death of the past. A life that is “normal” with some extreme exceptions. When I have time to actually sit here, which is often, I am once again brought back to reality. The reality that I am living in a place that was desolate and conquered by murders. The president that practically ran me off the road with his presence, has helped to transform this country into one of forgiveness or “incomprehensible reconciliation.” I am living among people and becoming friends with people who at many times could be murderers. Except for the times that some have opened up to me about where they were or who they lost at the time of genocide… I have no idea who my friends “are.” But does it really matter? Ultimately in the forgiveness I believe in, no…but for those that were victims and are put under the title of living in a place of “incomprehensible reconciliation”…they are really just managing because their president has asked them to manage…deep down though the hurt will never be gone. I’ll leave you with this…. A poem I found in a Rwandan newspaper I picked up yesterday. If this is possible for people who have watched their family members and friends murdered by the use of a machete … you think that we could practice this everyday. Forgiveness; forgive anyone who has hurt you in one way or another, strangers, friends, and most of all FAMILY. With forgiveness comes empowerment and the ability to move on in your own life and love again…Even if they have never said they were sorry...

 

Forgiveness

 

-Paradis Winslet

 

There was time where everything was meaningless,

Where was no hope at all. It was the rainy season,

When my world was bowed off all my hope was moved out,

It was the end of all, there was no love in,

The world no hope for all, my world was dark,

My world was twisted and my heart was full,

Of sorrow, took my all love left me no life turned,

My world in to hell, It was a land where,

Everything was green where once was called a land of,

Honey and milk where love was a greeting and peace,

Was a song, so I became a stranger in my own home?

I lost my personality turned to someone,

I had never met and it tainted my whole life and

Distorted my world I had no love for myself nor,

For others, People blamed me, for who I was,

And for whom I was not hate and selfishness drove,

Around me til I discovered the truth,

And realized we are all one and we are one, who holds,

The key so I chose peace, forgiveness, love, joy and,

My whole life changed within, brought back hope,

In my heart and took my grief away,

Took my sorrow, took my anger and brought,

Light into my life gave back hope in my life within,

I opened my heart to mend the wounds,

And split the love from above,

Because forgiveness is love and the only way for

Resolution, reunion and I believe one can change if,

Has been given a chance. I believe we can make,

A change from bad to good, I strongly believe,

That without forgoneness there is no love,

Without love life is worthless,

Without hope life becomes shorter and,

Without forgiveness in our hearts, there’s no wisdom,

Because love is kindness and forgiveness,

So stand up for love all as one to make amend,

From bad to good by bringing peace in bitter hearts,

Then choose to be a better person and make a better World,

By loving each other and expect reconciliation can be,

A step to carry us together for love, life, hope,

Within forgiveness we must draw closer all together as one,

And I believe we can make a change, we can make a better place,

Just you and I, all as one, the truth has to be told love is key,

Love is all we need, let’s start by reconciliations, forgiveness,

Exoneration, reunion, let us realize that a change can only come,

When we stand up together, all as one and build a brighter day,

By compromising, bringing together, Reunion, by absolution,

Amnesty, forgiveness is for all, Forgive by bringing

Wisdom in your heart, Forgive so that you can be forgiven,

Forgiveness is not foulness, forgiveness is not forbidden,

Forgiveness is wisdom, perception; forgiveness is love, kindness,

Seek forgiveness the most, Forgive from the heart

So that you heart, is released from anger, pain,

And sorrowfulness, Forgive within you heart,

To convey back light in darkness hearts, forgive

From the heart to spread back hope,

In hopelessness hearts, don’t limit wisdom to yourself,

By hesitating to forgive iniquity hearts, cause no matter what,

Has happened everyone deserves,

Forgiveness, as we seek to the Lord to forgive us,

As we forgive those who against us.

Let us forgive to fetch light in many darkness hearts,

Rejoice and let peace and love flow,

In our hearts cause a new day has come. 

Ex-Pat

This past weekend I experienced the world of the expats…aka ex-patriots. That is basically what everyone is called who is “Mzungu” or white. The expats are all around the ages 21-27 about and are living in Africa for internships with embassies, humanitarian work, or some kind of business consulting like I am doing. I didn’t really expect that we wo

uld be going out, but apparently on the weekends itis cool to get together and have a good time. On Friday we started the night by all hoping in a car, jamming to Bob Marley

 and off-roading to a local Belgium party. It is funny how little Expats are here because it already seems like I know everyone. It was a surreal night, and I didn’t expect to be going out at all while I was in Africa…I am still not so sure how I feel abo

ut it. On Sunday we were invited to a bbq on lake Muhsavi with some people from the U.S. Embassy. It was kind of stressful though cause we brought our puppy Sasu (“bullet”) and he almost got killed by a German Shepherd. On Monday we had our first official business meeting for KEZA. My job tasks for the week are to go out and do some market research around Kigali and my only means of transportation are packed vans or motos (motorcycle taxis). While I am getting everything ready I like to stop by Buranga and spend some time with the women. Yesterday we played the name game and I got about 15 names down, but they are all hard to say. The women enjoyed laughing at me as I tried to pronounce them. I think they are really starting to warm up to me. They taught me how to roll a paper bead and then we talked about my freckles, toe rings, and they asked if I could paint their nails. They are so great and I can’t wait to spend the whole summer w

ith them. The main goal of my job will be preparing them to continue on with the business plan that I create for them and teaching them step by step ho

w to maintain relations and bring in a continuous income for their families after I leave. Yesterday we decided to take one of those vans I was talking about for the first time. We walked up the hill to catch one and on the way up ran into a video shop owner who is friends with our roommate. He invited us to his sister-in-laws wedding on Sunday and I absolutely can’t wait! App

parently they dress you in traditional wear when you get there, so I am sure the pictures will be a pretty good laugh. Weddings here are supposed to last until the early morning… its going to be unbelievable. Anyways…so we then packed into these mom size vans th

at are the buses here. And they pile about 20 people into them…I am surprised they even move, but they are defiantly the cheap way to travel…only about 2

5 cents equivalent to the center of town. We got to one of the large roundabouts and all of a sudden the driver swerved to the side of the road. A black SUV came by and slowed down, windows down, with men just giving us the death stare. Everyone was trying to get a look out the windows while I was freaking out a litt

le bit inside wondering what was happening. Then all of a sudden a landrover with Rwandan flags on either side sped by… turns out it was President Kagame…no big deal. Haha expect that my heart was beating out of my chest cause I had no idea what was going on.

Last night we heard that the Championship match, Manchester United and Barcelona would be played on a huge flat screen at Le Petit Stadium. I was going to make sure I got there because watching futbol reminded me of all the good times back in Ireland. We grabbed some motos there but by the time we got there we realized we defiantly should have left earlier. The stadium was almost packed and there were multiple mob

s to buy tickets. I had to get one… SO I told the girls to give me their money and I elbowed my way to the ticket holder. It was such chaos and queing up is really not a concept here. It w

as me, a girl muzungu against a crowd of about 50 men. I came out on top with three tickets. Just when we thought the fight was over… there were even more people pushing to get through the gates… once again a mob mentality…all to watch the game on TV! I grabbed the girls and we pushed out way through once again, 

each praying that the next would get through. We did! When we got in we were three of maybe 6 muzungus and probably the only women. I started chanting “Glory Glory Man United!” taught by my lil woo back in Ireland 

ahhhh goood timessss. We found some of my local friends and watched the match….very depressing match might I add. In the second half the score was Barce 1 Man-U 0 and all of a sudden we could hear

 rain coming down hard on the tin roof. Lightening flashed and the screen went blank. Then all of

 a sudden a swarm of giant termites with the w

ing span the size of you palm came rushing into the st

adium. The mixture of water outside and bright lights inside brought them all in. One came close to my face and i flinched...my friend next to me said no don't be afraid ...they taste good! Just pluck off the wings... "ill pass."All of a sudden everyone started cheering…turns out Barce scored again. It 

was chaos. At the same time you had no idea wat was going on….you still knew what was going on back in Rome from someone’s hand held radio. Sad days… Barce ending up winning but I held strong to my chant. To say the least it was quite the experience…different then Ireland, but amazing!

Good Day

Technically for me, today is Friday. Approximately 3:22 am on Friday. For those back in the states it is still Thursday and my brother's 26 birthday...Happy Birthday Kev!

I am writing from under my mosquito net in bed because I can't sleep again. Last night I did sleep throughout the night though! I don't have internet here of c

ourse so I have to write a draft and then cut and paste it when I go to the internet cafe. You never know how much time you are going to get at the cafe because this is how it works: you buy a coffee, choose a sliver of paper out of a cup with a code on it, enter it into your computer and hope you get lucky. The luck of the draw comes in internet increments of 7 min, 13 min, or 30 min...so I never know how much time I have. I had to learn that 

the hard way.

Last time I wrote I was headed to a horn factory. The "horn factory" ended up being a small one room house at the base o

f a volcano about 2 hours up a mountain from Kigali. On the way up we passed women and men carrying water jugs and produce on their head

s. The women usually have a baby attached to their lower backs wit

h a piece of cloth and I am still fascinated how they do this. At one point I lo

oked over to the side of the road and a small child was in mid release of a throwing a rock headed straight for the car. I kind of gasped, ducked, and laughed at the same time because it was so absurd. Apparently the children in Rwanda treat outsiders a lot differently than most African countries. I was told that a majority of them are told that white people will eat them. So if they aren't trying to throw a

 rock at you they smile and wave, but then run away if you take a step closer. The drive up the mountain was so green and gorgeous. Every which way there are rolling hills that have all been touched by farming. Even the steepest parts have patches. It was endless until we reached our destination. At the "horn factory" a man and his apprentice collected anim

al horns to cut, heat, shape, and buff to make into shiny beautiful pieces

 of jewelry or ho

usehold appliances like combs or bowls. The bone almost becomes see through when you sand it down and buff it. We spent all day there trying to design, explain, and barter in broken french what exactly we wanted. It was an exhausting but very educational day.

Yesterday I finally got to sleep in. When I woke up I still had no food and had been living off the finger size bananas we had in the car 

ride up the mountain the day before. I was in a hurry to get ready and needed to send one of our house workers to run to the market and pick me up a stack of bananas and bread (this is a typical task of your house staff, and hard to get used to to ask at first, but they want/are paid to do it! i promise haha). Anyways when he came back all he had was a pineapple haha...apparently this happens a lot too. I just laughed to myself and said Thank You! or in  Kinyanrwandan its "Marcozi!" After I ate my pineapple, Ilea came to pick me up and we walked to the BURANGA center.... this is where the women roll the paper beads and where I will be working. I met all of the women and one commented on the size of my hips and the women all conversed about them hahaha greeaaat. I think I am in the right place though because here that is a great compliment! After a english yoga instructor who donates her time for Yoga Therapy came in and showed them all how to do yoga. It was so much fun and we all couldnt stop laughing. Afterwards I walked up to my marketplace and bought some produce...I am still trying to get the hang of what to buy. Later that night I was in a taxi with a driver that I have become good friends with. His name is Enesi (pronounced Ynezi). He is such a good man and actually took me into the other grocery store in town to pick up a few more things. I ran out of money at the store so he covered me. I noticed that he is a very tall man which is an indication that he is Tutsi. In the car ride back I learned that his sister works at Buranga, our paper bead co-op, so I asked him if he had anymore brothers and sisters. He told me that  he used to have 2 brothers, but now only 1...and 3 sisters but now only 2. He then told me that they were killed in the genocide of 1994. I said I was sorry and he said "no, it is okay...I am Rwandan, we all have lost someone." Suprisingly, Enesi was very open about talking about the genocide but most people are not. Last night after he dropped me off I couldn't help but make the connections of what it was like for him. I read many times that the Hutus would usually first cut off feet during the genocide and say something along the lines of "you aren't so tall now, are you." Talking to Enesi brought me back to the reality of where I am. It is easy to forget at times because most of the time it just seems like a normal city and that nothing ever happened. It is hard to believe that 15 years ago, amost 1 million people were murdered in 100 days and Kigali was a no man's land. This experience is going to be life changing.....I will write again soon. 

Much Love, 

E.

The Beginning

Okay so I am not much of a journaler and have no idea what a blog is supposed to be but I tend 

to be a storyteller...so here is my story.

I left San Juan Capistrano at 5:30 am on May 18th and headed to New Jersey for my first layover. I am not sure what was wrong with me and even now, but I almost feel numb to the whole idea that I am ACTUALLY going to Rwanda. I can't even describe how I feel as anxiety or being excited. Maybe its the fact that I am still a little homesick from Ireland, that California couldn't have been better, that I have been preparing myself for living in Africa for as long as I remember, or because its RWANDA. After my 5 hour plane to New Jersey I barely made my layover and next 7 hour plane to Brussels, Belgium. I got lucky on that plane and had three chairs to myself, which soon turned into my bed. I woke up from my sleep and glanced at the television monitor that tracked our plane flight. On the map we were directly over Galway, Ireland and headed towards the heart of

 Dublin. What are the odds that I woke up just at that moment. I had no idea we would be flying right over Dublin and it was so surreal thinking that my friends and memories of the past 4 months were right below me. It was 6:00 am on May 19th.

When I landed in Belgium I had to make my way to my next and final plane to Kigali, Rwanda. I followed the signs to my terminal and walked down the halls. There was not a soul in sight. It was really eerie actually. Finally I got to the transport bus to my gate and it flashed 4:57...a bus came every 5 min, just my luck. So I sat and waited 5 min then he showed up and took me all by myself to my gate. Once again I was the only one there. So here I was thinking I would be the only one one my plane to Rwanda. My first time in Africa and

 I was REALLY doing it all alone. About a half an hour later slowly, person by person showed up for my flight. A couple looked like me, aid workers  I am assuming, and the rest were African nationals. When we boarded, I again had room to stretch out. What I thought was going to be a somewhat shorter flight to Africa from Europe, turned out to be 8 hours. So I fell asleep and this time didn't wake up the whole way until I heard the pilot say "we are now making our descent into Kigali, please put your tray tables up and chairs in the upright position." I looked out the window and this is when it finally hit me that I was in Africa. Usually when you hear those words, you look out and see lights of a bustling city or some sort of civilization. Here I was 15 min from my destination and all I could see was darkness, expect for the flashes of lightening in the distance and what looked to be sporadic fires burning (probably trash piles I assume). Other than that there was nothing. Right when the landing gear came down is when I saw the faint twinkle lights of Kigali that seemed to shape rolling hills. I stepped off the plane and walked down the stairs on to the tarmac, took a deep breath of smoky humid air. I was in Africa. Ilea, who I will be the assistant to picked me up and took me to my house for the next 3 months. We drove through the Rwandan streets with people crossing in front of the car back and forth

, but other than them in front of our headlights I could see nothing. I guess I had to wait til the morning. We got to my house and my guard Gueston opened the gate. As soon as I stepped out I was greeted by a happy puppy who I named Charlie cause I had no idea what his name was and he looked like a Charlie. No one was home so it would be just me and Charlie for a couple hours. He helped me to feel safe and unpacked my bags with me (or just kindly chewed off the luggage tags). 

I got all settled a

nd my roomate who used to 

live in Sudan came home. She told me a couple things and then we went straight to bed. 

Last night I didnt get much sleep. It was so dark that I couldnt even see my hand in front of me and I had no matches to light the candle next to me. I hugged my pillow to keep me company and tried to fall asleep but only for a little bit. I realized that I don't do well with mosquito nets, as they usually just end up twisted around me with my head and feet exposed. GREAT. I layed there for a couple hours and looked at the clock. It was 3 am and I had to be up by 630 to come here to this cafe and wait for Ilea to pick me up. So here I am an

d I have a big week ahead of me. Today we are off to a horn factory...?? not really sure what that means but I am assuming we will use them for jewelry making. I can't wait for what is ahead of me. I love you all and miss you! Talk to you soon.....

Preparation!

Today I am going out to look for some Jewelry making supplies to bring over for the women. I am a little bit worried about bag weight as I will be packing all of my belongings in one backpacking pack and all the supplies in another. I am so thankful for the community I have been blessed with here in San Juan Capistrano, California... as friday I will be picking up all of my art supplies from donations from the children of my alum Mission School. It has been two and a half weeks since I got from Ireland and takes a lot to switch my mindset over to living in Rwanda in less than a week. I am working on a painting of an African woman, so hopefully I will be able to get that done before I leave. I am started to feel a little anxious about what lies ahead of me, for I know that the first month won't be the easiest. From what I here Rwandans are not as receptive of Westerners at first, which is more than understandable. 

"We live in the flicker-May it last as long as the old earth keeps rolling! But darkness was here yesterday..."